Uh, How is This Going to Work?

Fourteen years ago, we threw our son on a school bus and sent him off to kindergarten. I still remember thinking to myself, “Uh, how is this going to work?”  Putting a five-year old on a bus by himself felt a little abusive at the time. After he walked up the stairs and went to his seat, I remember feeling immense guilt. We had just given our child away to a random stranger on a yellow bus.

Today, that same child is graduating high school. And then tomorrow, that same child will get in a car and drive himself to camp. And then, in a few months, that same child will show up in a dormitory to live on his own at a college in Indianapolis.

And so yes, I am thinking back on that moment when we gave our child away to a bus driver. But today, I am coming to a new conclusion. Yes, it actually worked. 

There is a part of parenting that is all about getting out of the way – giving your children the room to grow and to become who they are meant to be. It is an idea rooted in our mystical tradition and known as tzimtzum or retraction. According to the Jewish mystics, when God created the world, God was too big. God needed to retract and become smaller—thus providing room for creation to grow on its own.

We have a natural desire as humans to want to control everything – to manipulate and change and transform it — to be involved in every single matter. When we let that desire go, it feels irresponsible, as if we are somehow giving up on our obligations and duties, as if nothing will ever happen if we aren’t directly involved. 

But sometimes the greatest gift we can give to our children and to others is space—it is providing them the opportunity to be and to become themselves. And that so often means getting out of the way. 

And you know what? The beautiful thing is – one of the greatest joys in life is watching that process unfold before your eyes, something we get to do today.

🙂

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